THE YEAR

This is a poem I wrote for my swim class Christmas party at the Y.  They were expecting a game, like last year, if anything.  But it was very therapeutic for me to write this and share it with them.  

Think back over your life and pick THE YEAR.  The one where everything happened.  The one you got through but will never get over.  Maybe you are one of the lucky few, for whom life didn’t happen “all at once” but 2012 has been that year for me.

When you ring in the new year in a hospital waiting for your husband’s only sibling to pass from this world, your only hope is that this is the low point for the entire year.  

When you struggle through that first month of the new year in darkness and grief, you cling to the hope that spring will come early and brighter days are ahead.

When March blows in like a lion and quite unexpectedly takes out your mom with a stroke, you lean in to each day and plod on to a destination every one reaches but no one wants to go to.

When you celebrate Easter at her graveside, with eggs for the children to hunt, you feel the chill of winter at your back and hope again for brighter days.

When you give away her things and pack up the home built with love by your parents specifically to hold their family, then you find yourself waving goodbye to another woman at her door.

When you sit through graduation thinking only of the motherless child crossing that stage into her adulthood, your heart feels like a stone in your chest.

When you confuse the message and are surprised to find its your mother-in-law in the hospital now, it’s five long weeks and a rare diagnosis.  Then dialysis sounds almost as bad as cancer.

Adjustment on top of major life adjustment.  Grief upon grief.   And those headaches finally get a name – migraines.

Then one more phone call: I’ve got bad news.  Another funeral, a young man full of life and brilliance, another part of the family devastated.

Finally, I could hang on no longer, and so let go and did all that you really can do.  Trust God to lead you through, to make some sense of it all some day, to soften your heart through the suffering so you can be MORE than you were before.  More sympathetic.  More compassionate.  More patient.  More loving.

The question to ask is not “what else could happen to me?”  The right question is “what else DID happen to me?  What else was there in this year?”

In my mother's house hung a frame - "Count your blessings not one by one but ton by ton."

Can I even count all the blessings?  First, my wonderful husband lost 45lbs and transformed himself into a health nut.  My dream come true!  He also stepped up and served his family this year and made me very proud of him.

My family – as hurt as we all have been – has been amazing.  We have pulled together and not pulled apart and continue to love and enjoy each other.

My young friends in my small group have brought out the best in me, have helped me embrace this middle phase of life with joy.

My older friends have shown me the way to stay healthy, to keep active and to think of others.  (Blessings on you all.)

My career turned a major corner and I found my place.  20 years of work experience came together in one new opportunity to do something important for the community I have freely chosen to make my home.

My faith exploded as time after time God met my needs and exceeded my expectations with his favor and blessing.  Now I have a church home in my town for the rest of my life.

Cut loose from my roots, rich as they were, I have put out my own tendrils, planted my life  here, and am ready to celebrate the seasons of a new year with steadiness and growth.

(Thank you, my friends.)
I am home.

Life is good

I know.  5 months with no posts and now 2 so close together.

Without a doubt 2012 will go down in our history as the hardest year ever.  Yet, as we got into Thanksgiving season and now Christmas, I started to think about how great this year has been.  Alan lost weight and got healthy.  Then he struggled with a sore knee (torn meniscus) and finally had it scoped/repaired in November. My health has been good this year, overall.  Swim class three times a week keeps me going.  Oh, except for the migraines.  Those started in the spring and it took me a while to figure out what was going on.

Of course losing Alan's sister in January threw us for a loop and then his mom getting sick in June prolonged the recovery.  But we are getting started in his family establishing a new normal.  His mom is on dialysis 3 days a week but is doing really well with that.  A new diet and schedule have been a HUGE adjustment for her and dad, but they are pulling together, not apart.  Hannah is in college here in Greenwood and we see her a couple times a month.  These holidays are going to be tough, but I think we will get through if we give ourselves a break.

My family has adjusted fairly well to Mama passing from this world.  Strangely, losing the house might have been the toughest part.  I've only driven by there once since July.  We were tossed another zinger in September when Gabe died.  It sounds remote that the loss of my sister-in-law's sister's son would affect us so terribly.  Worst migraine ever the day of his funeral.  So young, so bright and energetic.  Too soon to leave.

My professional life changed dramatically in late September and October, when I gave up the legal life.  November 1 I became Director of Community Partnerships at the new Greenwood County Community Foundation.

The greatest blessing, among many, in our life this year has been our small group.  Alan and I have invested time and energy in these young women.  It has made us feel old to mentor them, but also grown up and important.  Here we are November 8th (the day of Alan's knee surgery) at Vision Night at NewSpring in Greenwood.  Yes, the other tremendous blessing we are wrapping up this year of travail with is the opening, last Sunday, of our church.  Campus #8 is only 10 minutes from our house.  1526 people came the first Sunday.  Truly the BEST is yet to come.

I"m ready for 2013 to be a "settled down" year for us.

What a year it has been

December 5, 2011 my mom visited me in Greenwood to attend a performance of my handbell group at Wesley Commons retirement community. Today, one year later, I was back at Wesley Commons for the bell concert.  This time I wasn't playing.  And my mom was not with me.  She made the vests for my group years ago and they still look great.

I thought today might be hard.  And several people did ask me about my mom today.  But it wasn't sad.  It is so easy to celebrate my mom's life, how much fun we had together even on this day last year.

In the picture at right, Mama is showing off some of her silly socks.  She loved silly socks.  She is with my niece Emily, who married in August and is expecting a baby next June.  Life moves on.  I guess because Mama was so ready to go, I was more ready to let her go.  Sure, I wish we had more fun days together, but I am so thankful for the days we did have and how it all went down on her way out, that I am not really sad.

Everyone loses their mom, but not every one has a great mom or a terrific relationship with their mom.  Sure, I've got lots of regrets, but those are primarily from long ago.

My mom was an amazing person and I hope I grow up to be like her.

Three months

Another month has passed, and another major life event in our family.  Alan's mother has been in the hospital now 2 weeks.  She is seriously ill with Goodpasture's syndrome, a rare autoimmune disorder that has attacked her kidneys and lungs.  Her lung function seems adequate, for now, but her kidneys are not functioning.  We hope as they treat her - with steriods, plasmapheresis and dialysis - she will regain some kidney function, but it's still too early to tell.  So, again, we are spending a LOT of time at the hospital.

Mornings are still cool in SC, but the heat is upon us.  We rode the tandem 35 miles last night in an oppressive heat.  Thankfully humidity was low, about 25% I think, so we didn't sweat to death.  Today it will be 105.

Alan is maintaining his weight loss.  Right at 180 this morning.  Also this month he has experienced swelling and pain in his knee, so he's given up running, been to the doc and is doing physical therapy "for dynamic knee stabilization."  He just wants to be able to ride a bike.  This morning he was hopping a little, after last night's ride.  We'll see. 

We are concerned about our friends in Colorado Springs.  The wildfire is very close to our old neighborhood and our friends are under a mandatory evacuation.  Our thoughts and prayers are with them.

Usually we camp in Colorado for the 4th of July, but this seems to be a good year to have made other plans.  Unfortunately, Alan's latest raise/promotion knocked him out of being able to travel for the 4th, since Fuji will be in a maintenance shut-down that he has a major role in.  So, I'll be traveling alone to Missouri on Tuesday to meet friends and spend time in Hannibal. 

Alan did arrange a 10 day trip to Colorado in August.  Despite the wildfire in that area (too), Estes Park will be the site of my niece's wedding, which we are excited to attend on the 11th, and after Alan takes a class that next week, we will celebrate his 45th birthday in Grand Lake for the weekend with friends, and hopefully for him some flyfishing.

My family has spent a lot of time cleaning out the house and God provided a lovely family to rent the main floor and help us maintain it.  They are moving in next week, so the basement is packed to the ceiling and Alan will change the locks this weekend.  Such a blessing.

Work with Sam is good.  A new client this week.  Food Bank crisis continues; shelves and bank accounts are empty.  But gardens are producing so at least I am eating well.  Life is good.

Two months later

Where have I been?  What have I been doing?  It all seems a fog, and yet so real. 

Two months have passed on the calendar since my mom left this world.  And still I cannot say how it was, how it is now, or how it seems to me.  Really, I'm fine.  At least I think I am most of the time.  But how would I know?  What do I compare to decide? 

Mother's Day was not terrible.  I received lots of support and thoughtfulness from friends.  But other days I miss her.  Just to talk with her.  Yet it seems OK, that she is well and happy now, that I am fine too but need to adjust myself to this new "normal."  I am not unhappy. 

I am so proud of my family.  We can make almost anything fun, even cleaning out her house.  I am so pleased with the things from the house that I am incorporating into my own home.  

It has been a lovely Spring.  Warm some days, cool others, now the beginning of hot.  But still, most of the day is pleasant, especially if you can stay out of the sun.  Flowers and gardens are growing.  The pond is full once again.  Alan is busily relocating fish to restock for future fishing adventures.  His weight loss goal has been met and maintained.

Skinny Man

Here he is, my handsome skinny husband.  Sixty days from the start of the life altering diet and 37 pounds less.  Today's weight, 188.  Only 8 more pounds to go.  This crazy fool even runs now.  However, he had his best ever time on the 15.2 mile inner mountain bike loop of 1 hour 22 minutes 32 seconds today.  Just over 11 mph average. 

Thanks for the encouragement Steve and Kathleen (his Colorado running coaches.)

Pictures you've been waiting to see

That was BEFORE on February 14th at 225 pounds.  Nice beach ball under that shirt, no?

Below is AFTER on March 16th at 195lbs.  At least 10, maybe 15 more to go.

So proud of him!!

Beets - it's what's for dinner

I'm appalled that it took me almost a week to find time for this meal.  Last Monday Sam and I went to the farmers' market.  Why?  Well, first because we could.  That's just the kind of law firm we are.  And second because it was Meet the Farmers Day and I wanted to support my local food growers.

While there, among other things, I purchased beets.  Today I cut them up and had beet greens (like turnip greens, with vinegar & a boiled egg) for dinner.  I also made roasted the beets and made a quinoa, feta, beet dish.  Both were delicious.  I should have taken a picture but it was almost gone before I thought about pictures.

Pretty much finished up reading Wheat Belly.  Way too technical for me in some parts, so I just skipped to what I wanted to know about and then on to the chapter on what you CAN eat once you've given up wheat.  Interesting.  We shall see if we can do it.

199.7

How could I have not posted in February at all?!?!  I can't even remember what we did the first 3 weeks.  Then we went to Colorado on the 22nd to snowmobile at Grand Lake.  We had a terrific weekend with friends - Wayne & Sarah, the McNealys, the Humphreys, the Swarts & Emily and Regis.  Great snow.  Fun riding.  Great to be in the mountains.

The week first week back in SC was great but terrible.   I was increasingly sick but managed, with great help, to host a terrific collaborative family practice training.  Then I spent the weekend on the couch trying to recover.

Unfortunately my mother also had a terrible weekend and by Monday was in the hospital with pneumonia.  I wasn't able to go see her until late Wednesday.  So thankful for my brother and sister, who took care of things with her.  Hopefully this weekend she will be well enough to discharge to rehab.

I've tried to take care of myself and to be gentle with myself through all this, but I'm feeling pretty rough right now.

Why 199.7?  Alan's weight, on the Wii, this morning.  His goal is 185, but I am celebrating 199 because I have begged him for years to get under 200.  He has lost 18-25 lbs so far, depending on whose scale you use.

Testing Our Limits

Fleece socks, shoes (not sandals), shoe covers, long cycling pants, shorts with chamois, base layer top, short-sleeved but thick jersey, arm warmers (extra sleeves), jacket, neck warmer, cap, helmet, sunglasses.

Generally I won't ride the bike if it is colder than 50 degrees.  Well, today in Kotzebue, Alaska, it was -35 with a wind chill of -68.  But in Greenwood it was about 42 this morning, after church, so we suited up and took the tandem out for 18 miles.

It was 48 when we got back.  Alan said he was fine and could have ridden in colder weather.   I was dressed appropriately, for me, but pretty well maxed out.  I don't own a wool jersey but I guess I could have put tights under my long cycle pants.

Anyway, it was a clear (if cold) day of blue skies, so later in the afternoon we went to the Yogatorium pond for some fishing.  (Still don't have a pond - or fish - behind the house)  First fish of the year!

Happy Day!

Daffodil Day

Just wanted to say that in my front yard, on the 27th day of January 2012, these two blooms appeared.  Amazing!  Daffodils are my favorite flower because they tell me Spring is Coming.

Winter gardening

Yesterday afternoon we had a few hours of sunshine and warm, with no wind, after several days of damp.  So I seized the moment and went outside to do some gardening.  Pulled some weeds in the front flower bed, but mostly cleaned the leaves and the few weeds from my two garden boxes.  BONUS: uncovered this carrot, only the second I have ever grown, and a hand full of good lettuce leaves (lettuce likes cool weather).  Enjoyed both for dinner last night.  Delicious!  So happy to be outside playing in the dirt.

Generous, thoughtful friends

Recently we received two lovely gifts.  The gorgeous orchid is from our friends and neighbors the Clarkes.  Kelley spent a half hour with us Sunday, letting us talk about Anita, her funeral, and our experience losing her.  Very therapeutic.  What a nice friend.

Our "fittest" friends Steve and Kathleen gave us this birdfeeder - handmade and sent from Durango, Colorado.  Thank you for the terrific surprise and the support of my new affection. 

I've been watching the birds this morning to see which was going to be the leader, the first to try the new feeder.  So far the chickadees and titmouses (titmice?) have only eaten the seeds off the deck below.  I probably won't be watching when they figure it out, that there are seeds in there, just perch and eat.  

I was watching yesterday when the first red cardinal appeared.  I was actually talking on the phone with Alan's mom and had just said, "No, we haven't had any cardinals yet," when he appeared.

Old lady

 I am officially an old lady.

No one thinks of young people as enjoying birds or even having time to watch them.    

Well, I don't care.  I got this bird feeder for Christmas from Alan's parents and I LOVE sitting at my kitchen table in the morning watching the birds eat.

Maybe soon I'll get a field guide and learn to identify my visitors.
God's creation is a marvelous thing.  Even in winter, there is life and beauty.
Today it was only 34 degrees at  10 a.m. Friends, that is COLD for South Carolina.
Maybe I should put out some clean water for these birds too, since we still don't have a pond.

Sympathy

Of all the things people have said, mailed, emailed, text, and messaged us in the last few weeks, I think this email from Alan's boss' boss comes as close to pure sympathy as any of them:

Alan - am so sorry about your sister.  I lost my sister-in-law to colon cancer 10 years ago.  She was 37 at the time.  She was the picture of health...until she wasn't .  She was also a wonderful friend and person.  Cancer sucks.

I said, before I thought about it, something Tuesday night that, upon reflection, is true.  Of course, these "thoughts" often leak out of my mouth before I even think them.

Losing Alan's sister has been even harder than losing my daddy.  He and I were very close and until this, losing him was the hardest thing I have ever been through.  But watching Anita leave us and seeing the effect of this out-of-order loss on Alan, his parents and his grandmother has been worse.  The capacity of the human body to cling to life and the capacity of the human spirit to adjust the heart to the reality of tragic loss is simply amazing.

Anita made different choices about her life, in light of her diagnosis, than I think I might if faced with her situation.  I think there are many things about my life I would change if I had any idea how much longer I would be on this earth.  She chose to change very little.  I think that must mean she was very happy with her life as it was.

She also chose to continue working.  Now that I have seen some of the hundreds of people she touched through her work and the high regard in which she was held by her colleagues, I understand better why continuing to work might have been so important to her.

She was also very different from me in her approach to faith.  In some way that I haven't figured out yet, I think her way might be better.

Although she was my sister-in-law for almost 20 years, we were not yet close friends.  I was looking forward to growing old with her (and Alan of course) - working together to care for our family, traveling, sitting on her porch and watching her grandchildren play in the yard.